


Painting Reality

by NamelesslyNightlock



Series: Going Down Swinging [38]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, Feels, Fluff, Fluffy Ending, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Kissing, Loki (Marvel) Feels, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Revengers, Romantic Fluff, Tony Stark Does What He Wants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:41:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21983851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NamelesslyNightlock/pseuds/NamelesslyNightlock
Summary: Kissing Anthony was both the hardest and the most pleasurable thing that Loki had ever done– and sometimes, when he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine that their kisses were real.
Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark
Series: Going Down Swinging [38]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1330490
Comments: 33
Kudos: 458





	Painting Reality

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt** — _“I’m just tired.”_

Kissing Anthony was both the hardest thing Loki had ever done, and also his favourite thing in the world. He loved the way that they moved together, and it could be argued that it was simply practice– but they had _always_ been that way, right from the start, their bodies aligning without struggle, fitting together like Loki never had with anyone else. He loved the way that the kisses made him feel – at least, when he was in the moment – as if he were treasured and cared for, as if he were wanted and desired. Sometimes, as Loki closed his eyes and the world melted away, he could almost imagine that it was _real_ —

But then he would open his eyes again, and Loki would remember that it was only for show, that it was merely a _trick_.

And then, without fail, Loki’s heart would break.

Loki couldn’t remember whose idea it was, and he was rather glad for that fact. He couldn’t decide whether it would be better or worse if the idea had been his, if he had damned _himself_ to this torment– because while that was an unhappy thought, the notion that Anthony had suggested it was also not entirely pleasant.

He did remember _how_ it started, at least, because he knew it had only taken a few minutes of the first of their infamous not-quite-arguments for Val to ask how long they had been fucking each other, and they had decided not long after – probably mutually – to play it up for the sake of their own amusement.

It was a trick, a con, a _challenge_ to see how long they could make it last. And, at first, it had been _fun_. Loki more than enjoyed Anthony’s company after all, and spending the majority of their time together was hardly a chore. Rather, it was something they likely would have done anyway. They had bonded from the first over their shared intelligence and ability to understand each other’s sense of humour in a way that none of the others could– and then that bond had deepened further when they realised that not only could they simply understand _each other_ , but that they were both willing to make the _effort_ to do so as well.

When they were alone, they called each other out and constantly bickered, bright smiles never leaving their lips. But whenever they were with anyone else, they played the idyllic couple. They held hands, they sat pressed together on the couch. They leaned their heads too close while they spoke to each other, and their fingers lingered a little too long whenever they so much as passed each other in the hallways.

And Loki… _revelled_ in it. It felt natural to act this way with Anthony, and it meant that as he slowly became infatuated, he didn’t have to hide his own longing looks, or the smiles that became all the more adoring as time marched on.

It took Loki three months of their charade to admit to himself that he had fallen in love with Anthony, and that had been almost a year ago. Since then, every kiss had been a blessing and a torment all in one, every touch a gift and a reminder of what he could not have. He enjoyed every single moment with Anthony with a fierce kind of delight, but every moment he was aching, yearning, wishing that things could be different but not wanting to try and make a change.

Because he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if Anthony realised the truth of Loki’s feelings, everything would stop. Anthony would not be willing to _pretend_ to be with him if… well, if it wasn’t entirely pretend.

So Loki remained silent, and he didn’t allow Anthony to see any indication of the truth beyond what could be hidden behind the smokescreen of falsity. He let himself enjoy the looks, the touches, the _kisses_ , and he pretended on more levels than anyone could have known.

Worst was when Anthony would use a kiss as a tactic to try and scare someone else away so that they could go back to the dynamic no one else knew of. Usually, it would happen in the space at the bottom of the ship that had been designated as Anthony’s workshop, but other times it might be in the living space if Anthony simply wanted to avoid an unfortunate conversation.

They might start with a joke, or a compliment, or even just a smile– the beginning was never the same, but Anthony would always thread his fingers through Loki’s long hair and drag him down for a languid kiss. It would be a kiss that was tongues and groans, a kiss that was slowly growing faster and more passionate as Anthony pressed their hips together, as Loki began to get lost, pressing forward for more with an aching, burning _need—_

And then, it would be over, suddenly and without recourse, just as every kiss before it and every one which would come in the future.

Loki would be lying if he said that he didn’t allow himself to enjoy those moments. Usually, just the start of the kiss would be enough to scare away whomever was with them, sending them off with noises of disgust and suggestions that they find a room. But sometimes it would require more, with hands under shirts and fingers dragging over hot skin. It would be hard to pull away, more difficult every time to make himself remember that it _was not real_ , to force away his reaction and to carry on the conversation Anthony would lead them into as if he wasn’t falling apart.

Those moments after were the worst, but not as bad as they could have been– because he would still be with _Anthony_ , and even if Loki had to take care to remember not to lean down and press a kiss to Anthony’s cheek when he did not have the excuse of another person in the room, he would rather be with Anthony than not. 

So, yes. The arrangement was a painful one, but it meant that Loki could live in a fantasy, that he could _imagine_ a world where Anthony loved him for real, and while that would never be enough– it was at least more than nothing. It was something to hold on to, because he knew that neither he nor Anthony were willing to give up their act.

To admit to what they were doing would be far too much of an embarrassment, as well as an admission of defeat with regard to their original challenge. Thus, the only viable choice that would allow them to keep their pride on two fronts would be to pretend to break up, which… would likely mean avoiding each other, and would _certainly_ mean acting cold to one another. Loki knew that was something he would not be able to live with, and… well, he _thought_ that Anthony felt the same way.

So it was rather a surprise when, out of nowhere, Anthony proved otherwise.

They had been in the ship’s engine room– Loki reading through a ‘spell-book’ Anthony had procured on the last planet they had visited because he thought Loki would enjoy pulling apart all the mistakes, and Anthony had been working on a section of the engine that he thought he could enhance. Loki had just found a particularly ridiculous error and had laughed aloud when he heard the clatter of Anthony’s tools falling to the ground.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Anthony muttered, and Loki’s gaze snapped up to see Anthony staring at him with something twisted and pained in his eyes.

“What?” he whispered, his stomach feeling like it was plummeting to his feet, his earlier mirth vanished in an instant. But it was probably ridiculous to jump to a conclusion so quickly, and he _hoped_ that he was wrong. It had been on his mind, and there was a chance that his anxiety had made a connection that was not there– that Anthony was not about to ask that they _stop_. So, he shook the nervousness away and, he asked hopefully– “Is the project not working?”

“Nothing is working,” Anthony groaned. He rubbed his hands over his face, and then slid away from the engine to stare at Loki imploringly. “It has to change.”

“Anthony,” he said, reaching out and laying a hand on his friend’s arm. “What is it, what’s wrong?”

“I’m just tired, Loki,” Anthony said, and his voice certainly sounded so. “I’m tired of the lies.”

“You want to stop?” Loki asked, feeling like he had just been punched in the chest, his worst fears confirmed. Because… well, if Anthony wanted to stop, then they were going to have to _break up_. Loki would lose the casual touches, he would lose the way that Anthony would wrap his arms around him without warning just to hold him close. He would miss the warmth of Anthony’s embrace, he would miss the softness of his smile– and he would miss the way that his name sounded on Anthony’s lips just after a kiss, when his voice was rough and Loki could almost imagine that Anthony had enjoyed it as much as he had.

He felt like his breaths were coming too quick, like he wasn’t quite getting enough oxygen. He was prepared to try and convince Anthony that they should keep the charade going just a little longer, that they weren’t really lying about anything important, that the others were just making their own assumptions from the way they had decided to act—

But then Anthony snapped out a single word that froze Loki in his tracks.

“No,” he said.

Loki blinked, entirely thrown, not quite able to understand.

If Anthony didn’t want to continue the lies, but he didn’t want to stop what they were doing…

“Then, what—”

Loki’s words were cut short as Anthony surged forward, crushing their lips together and threading his fingers through Loki’s hair. It was the same as the way that so many of their kisses had started, but… this felt _different_. This was the first time they had kissed without anyone watching, the first time they had kissed for _themselves_. Loki gasped into it, needing a moment to process exactly what was happening. Anthony’s lips faltered, then, and he seemed about to pull away– but then Loki curled his hands around Anthony’s hips and clutched him closer still, kissing back with every bit of _feeling_ he had.

Anthony was kissing him– Anthony was kissing him for _real_ , and despite the mess in his mind, the mix of emotions caused by the sudden change from thinking that Anthony wanted to stop entirely to _this_ , Loki felt happier than he ever thought possible.

And when Anthony pulled away and stared at him with bright eyes and a hopeful, breathless smile, Loki felt his own breath catch in his throat.

“Loki, will you date me?” Anthony asked him. “Will you date me for _real?_ I don’t just want to be together when people are watching, I want to be together because we _want_ to be. I want to spend every moment with you, at your side, in your bed. I want to hold you and I want to kiss you just because I _love_ you, and for no other reason at all.”

“I love you too,” Loki said, his smile so wide it was paining his cheeks. “So much, and for so long. I thought you didn’t want this, I thought that you never _would_.”

“I want it so much,” Anthony echoed, his smile matching Loki’s as he let out an incredulous laugh. “And I have for so long. God. We could have had so much time.”

“We can have all the time now,” Loki corrected. “All the time that we want—”

“Every _moment_ we want.” Anthony stood on his toes, brushing their lips back together. “Every moment with _you_ , together for real—”

“Because we want to be,” Loki whispered, and Anthony smiled again against his lips.

“Because it’s the _truth_.”

As they came together for another honest kiss, Loki understood that he had been wrong. Their kisses had been _real_ on both sides for longer than either them realised, that he truly _was_ treasured and cared for, wanted and desired.

And this time, when they parted, neither of them needed to hide.


End file.
